782. In life, the greatest handicap is fear, the hardest thing to do is moving on, the most useless asset is pride, the scariest thing to do is change and the greatest mistake is giving up.
783. Mornings are just like paintings. You need an inspiration to get you going, a smile to brighten it up and a message from someone who cares to color your day. Good morning!
784. Have you noticed that the body when split vertically has parts of every organ on both sides except for the heart? This is because the organs were made to be shared, while the heart was made to be given as a whole.
785. If you really love someone, you wouldn't have the heart to hurt that person no matter what it takes. You will always find a way to make her happy, because that is what constitutes love among people. You are overjoyed when you see her happy. That's true love. Seeing happiness in her eyes is enough to prove what love is.
786. You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. - Oprah Winfrey
787. Life is a matter of choice. You can be a doctor who saves lives, a lawyer who defends lives, a soldier who protects lives, or just be yourself, a monster who touched my life. =)
788. You and your best friend planned to have a dinner with your special someone in your birthday. You are so excited and your best friend comes first in your house. You are both so happy and were chatting, watching while waiting for your special someone. It was 12 midnight then and the power went out. The phone rang and you answer it while your bestfriend is looking for a candle. When you answer the phone, your special someone told you that your best friend was in the hospital and was dead. You saw him smiling at you, holding a candle and says, "I will miss you forever, happy birthday!"
789. A sad story: There was a guy who was tired of reading his girlfriend's messages. They were always "I miss you," "I love you". One night while lying in a bed, he received a text message from her. He didn't read it, instead, he went to sleep. The next morning, he was awakened by a call from his girlfriend's mom. She was crying while telling him that his girlfriend was raped and killed just last night. He remembered he got a message from her and so he read it. "Honey, please come and help me, somebody's following me."
790. So many people fail because they don't get started. They don't go. They don't overcome inertia. They don't begin. Remember that you must act now because now is all you have. Tomorrow is reserved for the labor of the lazy. You are not lazy. Success will not wait, if you delay success, it will be wed to another and lost to you forever. This is the time! This is the place! You are the person! Act on this day! Good morning!
791. Life is nothing until it is lived. But it is yours to make sense of, and the value of it is nothing other than the sense you choose. - Jean Paul Satre
792. Sometimes in life, we ask and seek for someone we can have and keep, but there's nothing much you can really do but to wait for the right person whose quest in life is nothing else but to find you too!
793. Sabi nila, karaniwan sa magaganda, tanga. Kasi, karaniwan sa tanga, marunong magmahal, walang expectations, walang paki! Ang mahalaga, mahal, kagaya ko, aminadong tanga! Maganda ako eh, paki nila?
794. Tatlong tanga, nagsisiksikan sa maliit na kama. Tanga1: Pare, hindi tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa. Sa lapag na lang matulog. (Bumaba si Tanga3). Tanga2: Hayan pare, maluwag na, akyat ka na dito!
795. Juan: (galing eskwelahan) Tay! Ang mga classmates ko, zero lahat! Ama: Hahaha! Ang bobo naman ng mga classmates mo! Ikaw? Juan: Magpapatalo ba naman ako? Syempre, zero din!
796. Gf, may tinga sa ngipin. Bf: Love, hulaan ko kung anong ulam nyo kanina! Gf: Talaga? Sige nga, ano? Bf: Tingin ko, Kangkong! Gf: hahaha! weeh... mali! Kahapon pa po yun noh!
797. Amo: Knock knock! Chimay: Who's there? A: Amo mo! C: Amo who? A: Tang*na mo inday! Papasukin mo ako, tanga! C: Tanga ka! Kumatok ka kasi. Hindi isinisigaw ang knock knock! Bobo! Ampota!
798. When you were born, nagalit si Satan, sabi nya: Shit! Another angel! When GMA was born, tumindi ang galit nya and said... "Patay na. Eto na ang papalit sa akin!"
799. We must value each precious moments: Mornings bring hope, afternoons bring faith, evenings bring love and nights bring sex. Sana, palaging gabi na lang no?
800. Dalawang baliw sa mental. B1: Pare, tatakas tayo. B2: Paano? B1: Aakyatin natin yung bakod, tatalon tayo palabas. Sumilip si B2 sa bintana. B2: Pare, malas, hindi tayo makakatakas. B1: Bakit? B2: Walang bakod!
802. Dad: Anak, ibili mo nga ako ng softdrinks. Anak: Coke or Pepsi? D: coke. A: Diet or regular? D: Regular A: Bote or in can? D: Bote A: 8oz or litro? D: Punyeta! Tubig na lang! A: Mineral or natural? D: Mineral A: Malamig o hindi? D: Tang na! Hampasin kita ng walis eh! A: Tambo o tingting? D: Hayop ka! A: Baka o baboy? D: Lumayas ka! A: Ngayon o bukas?
803. Nang ipanganak ako, meron akong sungay. Maaalis lang daw yun kapag may kaibigan akong mabait. Nang makilala kita? Hanep friend! Nagkaroon pa ako ng buntot! You're the best!
804. Sa isang mumurahing airline. Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner? Passenger: Ano ba ang choices? Stewardess: Yes or no lang po!
805. Are you free tomorrow? Kasi, gusto kitang kausapin! I just want to clarify something! Kung ok lang sa iyo. Meet tayo ng 4:30PM sa harap ng newly opened na Jollibee, sa Lebanon!
806. Madre: Father, ginaw na ginaw ako. Pari: Ako rin sister! Gusto mo bang gawin natin ang ginagawa ng mag-asawa? Madre: Oo father! Pari: Sige, ipagtimpla mo ako ng kape!
807. Mag-ingat sa mga lalaking "Uy ay!" Uy! May kotse, ay! hiram pala. Uy! Gwapo. Ay bungi! Uy galante! Ay, ang daming utang. Uy! Macho, ay! supot pala!
808. Why do cows get pikon after being milked? Kahit sino naman eh! Ikaw na ang gisingin ng 4:00AM, lamasin yung dede mo ng 2 hours, tapos, hindi ka naman pala isesex! Nakakapikon, di ba? =)
809. Umiyak ako kay God before. Tanong ko, "Bakit po palagi akong nalalayo sa mga kaibigan ko?" Niyakap nya ako at sabi nya: "Kasi anak, angel ka at aswang sila, magkaiba kayo ng level!"
810. If there comes a time that you will just wanna sit and cry, tell me. I won't cry with you nor give advice, but I'll be there sitting with you, holding your hand saying, "Yan, Redhorse. Oh, tahan na!"
811. Thought for the day, "Dont think while your mouth is open." Magmumukha ka kasing tanga!
812. Juan: Doc, uminom ako ng Viagra kahapon ng umaga. Till now, matigas pa din. Doctor: Naku, next year pa lalambot yan. Juan: Ha? Bakit? Doctor: Tingnan mo ang expiration, 2007 pa!
813. Sa loob ng sinehan. Bf: Love, ang sarap ng boobs mo, ang daming katas! Uhmm, nakakagigil! Gf: Aray! Bwisit ka, dahan-dahan lang! Pigsa ko yang nasipsip mo! Yuck!
814. A gay was joining the army but came late for the physical examination. The men ahead of him were all naked ready for inspection. He look and shouted, "Dios ko! Maloloka ako! Ano ito? Eat all you can?" =)
815. Good morning, good morning, dahil sa Pampers, ang sleep mo, ang sleep mo, mahimbing. Iwas leak, iwas leak up to 12 hours, masarap, masarap ang gising! Ganado, ganado na matuto. Bulaga, bulaga, yehey! Yehey! Hahahaha! Masarap, masarap ang gising! Yeah! Forward this to 10 friends and see a miracle in 10 days. May himala! Mewon!
816. A story that can be read only by Smart people... *The end* May nabasa ka? Wala, di ba? Ako rin eh, wala! Globe kasi tayo. Kung Smart ka at di mo nabasa, matakot ka!
817. "Magiging star ako!" - Alma Moreno in Bombastar.
818. Limit your sex life. Do it only on days that start with letter T. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tonight, Tomorrow, Tatorday, Tanday, Taumaga, Tatanghali, Tagabi at Tahapon!
819. Paano if one day, sabi ni Doc, you need a new nose or else, hindi ka na makakahinga. Nagpaopera ka, nang matapos, ask mo kung sino ang donor? May inabot na note, sabi: Ingatan mo ang ilong ko, love, Mike Enriquez.
820. Doctor talking to moms: Mahilig ka sa sweets, so you named her Candy. Mahilig ka sa pera, so you named her Penny. Third mom, tumayo. "Let's go Dick, bago tayo mainsulto dito!"
785-786, 815-820: Erica
787: Carlo (+639228149229)
788-789. Anonymous (+63918613***0)
795: Anonymous (+63916494***9)
801-810, 812-814. Anonymous (+63920240***0)
811. originally posted at kukote in a jar
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